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Greatest Shits

by The Cuntifiers

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fungicide
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fungicide Greg Petix is a poet philosopher masquerading as a shitty musician. Favorite track: Stupid People.
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1.
Stupid people surround me, jackass legions around me. I'm a moron but next to them my brain's tight as a spring. I'm competing with rejects at the Special Olympics. In the kingdom of shitheads, the man with one lobe is king. If Hitler died accepting Jesus Christ, you fuckers think he'd be in heaven now. And all the Jews who died for being Jews must be burning in hell. You like to piss on all the sciences, then stay the fuck out of our hospitals. When you get sick, you better pray hard. Holy succor's for suckers. What a bunch of dumb fuckers. Higher powers appeal to those low intelligence. In the big check-out you'll learn sales are final, no returns. On that register, void's the only button that makes sense. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse racing at the track; Allah, Buddha, Jesus on the sidelines making bets. I put all my money on the dark horse in the back, and I won two trillion cents. Stupid people surround me . All these half-wits astound me. Stupid people elect the king of retards president.
2.
Mesopo-Mania 01:23
Anti-Marshall Plan, that's why they hate you. Free trade Disneyland fucks the multitudes. Take away their jobs, they will plant land mines for you. When you take their jobs, whatcha expect them to do. Killing innocents makes the cents accrue. One day they will make your accounts past due. Making enemies for some tankers of raw crude. Making enemies is a hard thing to undo. We must confess we've made a mess in Mesopotamia. A few sly cunts in government remade Transylvania. The CEOs in the front row scream like Beatlemania. Help, I need some money. I wanna hold your land. All we need is blood.
3.
I cut my hair, I'll never get that girl. Go back to school, I'll never get that girl. Buy brand new shoes, I'll never get that girl. Lose 20 pounds, I'll never get her. No! No! All fucked up, all fucked up. No! Nooooooo!!! Learn how to drive, I'll never get that girl. Earn 90k, I'll never get that girl. Act really nice, I'll never get that girl. Act like a dick, I'll never get her.
4.
Sit right down 'cause I'm gonna talk about some economic theory now. When some rich guys wanted to get richer and they figured out a good way how. They wrote up a letter to Santa asking for a new breed of cash cow. We call it the Constitution of America, get up and shout... White Christmas for rich whites. String it up with lights. Wrapped up nice and tight. In school, teacher said we were great could you could vote here without owning land. Only done for all the wealthy merchants owning just a little speck of sand. They built up a big strong army to protect us from the Injun man. That was done for all the greedy framers speculating on the Injun land.
5.
Cotton Candy 01:26
No one ever wants to drink a drink or smoke a smoke or nothing anymore. All my drinking pals have grown up, got a good job, had some babies, what a bore. I'm not buying Nicorette, I can't climb a dozen steps, I can't let go, let God yet. Everyone says I'm a fuck-up, they're so stuck-up, get the fuck out of my door. I would rather be on my back with the headspins than on my knees for The Lord. Spending half my weekly wage drinking with kids have my age. I'm not ever gonna change.
6.
If Hitler won the the Big One, she might still get wet for me. If Incas conquered England, would our bed be just for sleep. In a world where Tesla had his say, she might not ignore me. Our civil war's going a different way. She'll be successful when she tries to secede. What-ifs petrifying into rock-hard what-will-bes. Her point of departure's getting closer every week. If King Louie never lost his head, she might still French kiss me. A thousand timelines in the books I've read, there's not a single one where she still loves me.
7.
I want a restraint order on everyone in this city. Get away from me, stay away from me. Don't know why, but they all make me feel shitty. Get away from me, something's wrong with me. I don't really hate them all, I just wanna Berlin Wall, Iron Curtain womb all for myself. I need a restraint order on everyone in this city. Get away from me, stay away from me. Stole some tape from the cop safety committee, wrapped it all round me like a yellow mummy. Circle me with orange cones, I just wanna be alone. That's the only time I feel all right. Wanna restraint order on everyone, need a restraint order on everyone, put a restraint order on everyone in this town.
8.
On a lost highway 'cause I haven't lost my mind, like those crazy fuckers reading bibles all the time. Pedophiles and clean junkies look down on me praying on their knees. They're preaching mercy but they're acting so unkind. I'll like it better when they leave us all behind. Yeah, my Mom believes in angels, says they're coming on the Judgement Day to gather up the righteous; the rest will have to stay. I'll move into Jimmy Swaggart's place, console his unrepentant mistress Grace. I'll walk his dogs and I'll take in all the strays abandoned by the pious Christians swept away. Now they're treating clerks like jerks, thinking they're boss hoss, and they only tip the waitress if she wears a cross, and their fuel-injected holy rolling stops on every dime. And they skip the gospels where the Savior feeds the poor to review the book where Paul condemns the gays and whores. So you know I'm goddamned ready to be one of the left behind.
9.
Run Up A Tab 01:44
I put my hand in the till, take a $10 bill, and I don't feel bad at all. 'Cause the boss at my job gets to legally rob and he don't feel bad at all. I'm gonna run up a tab. It's really fun when you don't pay back. I got the need, I got the knack, to take this knife out of my back. I'm gonna run up a tab. They're acting kind to be cruel, makes it easy to fool all us dumb-shits on the floor. Working hard never pays, so give yourself a raise hauling free shit out the door. I'm gonna run up a tab. It's really fun making good from bad. They took from me, I'm taking back, 'cause if I don't I'm just a sap. I'm gonna run up a tab. Ain't too proud of stealing but there's no law on the books stopping what they do. Gotta make my own justice or be the one millionth fuck that they stick it to. If you're gonna have to eat shit, better be the fly in the ointment. Print magazines on their copy machines, pay your bills and scratch your ass. Bathroom doors have a lock, beat off while on the clock. Taking time's as good as cash. I'm gonna run up a tab.
10.
Well I don't get money, how it trickles up, flows fast the begging bowl to the silver cup. There's folks with more cash than they could ever spend still reaching in the pockets of the working man. Nowadays the robber baron's back in fashion, doesn't give a shit about the lives he's trashing. Freedom of speech don't mean bribery. How come they get more freedom of speech than me. Last year I paid more tax than Mr. Exxon did. Suppurating wounds of the working classes. To save an extra penny, they break any rule. Dump toxic waste behind the elementary school. One thousand kids with cancer makes their bottom line, a bargain for the $7,000 fine. If I threw some poison over my back yard fence, I'd be lucky if I got a lifetime sentence. Where my tax goes I don't understand, always fighting some war in some foreign land. Their occupations there keep us occupied. They give us circuses and take our bread.

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A fine collection of songs that other bands wouldn't play.

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released December 19, 2016

All songs written by Greg Petix. Recorded by John Fulwyler. Performed by both.

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The Cuntifiers Portland, Oregon

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